Here's chapter three...if you don't know what the title is, then please look at the topic, or read THE FIRST TWO CHAPTERS FIRST. Lol, see ya at the end of this installment. Here it is.
I have now edited this, so here's the new and improved (well, I hope so at least...) chap. 3.
Three <^> Space Call
The young man pulled out the thing that was in the box. He had run away from Conscilia, and he was almost out of Texas, near where Dallas had used to be. He was planning to head through Oklahoma and meet some people on the edge of Kansas, but first he had to make this call.
The thing in the box looked simply like a circle with two levers coming from the top and bottom, and crossing each other, to make an X. It was basically a universal cell phone—only this was the cheap one… with one problem: you could only make one ‘call’ on it, although you could receive as many as you wanted.
The man flipped the levers so that they were wedged into grooves on opposite sides of the ‘phone’. He felt on the back—where there was a slight inclined plane, which made the device more comfortable to hold—and found a scroll wheel. He touched the scroll wheel, and a screen appeared on the front of the device. You could scroll down or up to find different functions on the phone. The man rolled it in his index finger until he found the icon he wanted. It was an interesting animation, which showed a pulley looped around two planets, and it was pulling them together. The man pressed the scroll wheel, selecting the program (which was to make a space call, where you could talk to people on different planets, and also, for a small roaming fee, in a different galaxy). He screwed each of the levers around 180°, and finally used the scroll wheel to dial the number he wanted to call. He held the phone up to his head — one lever at his mouth, the other at his ear. He had made the call.
Dude, you’d better pick up, the young man thought.
He heard a voice on the phone, and he punched the air. His friend had picked up. “Hey man,” the younger man said through the universal phone.
“Hey,” his friend said.
“Look, I know you’re busy out there, but I’m in a bit of trouble here, so I was just wondering if maybe, you know, you could come back here to Earth for a little while? Anytime you were planning on coming recently?”
“Um, no, I can’t, dude. Sorry, but this just isn’t the right time for me—actually, this is the worst time, and I’ve got a really important meeting coming up. Sorry, but I gotta go now. Can you get back to me sometime?” His friend spoke really quickly, obviously wanting to get off.
“What? No! I can’t, they didn’t have any good phones here! I can only make one call! Please, man, don’t warp on me now! Please!”
“Sorry, I gotta warp! I absolutely have to get to this meeting… I have to. Sorry.”
“Wait, you have re-dial on your phone, right? Call me back! Put my number in your calling list! Speed dial!”
But it was too late. The man’s friend was gone, and he had no more calls. All the money he spent, and nearly getting himself killed… for what? A two-minute conversation that was practically worthless? Unless his friend would call him back… but why did he doubt that his friend would? He’s ‘too busy’ smuggling, the young man thought. Flippin’ criminals.
He closed the phone down, putting the levers back in the X position, and reached out to throw the phone through the window on his vehicle. But then he thought better of it and just shook it in his hand. If his friend was going to call him back, he’d need the phone. He stuffed it into his pocket and kicked down on the accelerator pedal of his vehicle.
He heard the sirens behind him, but still didn’t bother to slow down. What the crap, he thought, I might as well have some fun if I’m gonna die anyways. Geez, I wish I’d never have become a criminal. How come friends can have so freakin’ much of an influence on me? I am such a retarded punk.
He drove away from the cop, and then laughed as he saw an old chopper pull up behind him. There was a guy with a gun looking out the window. The young man just smiled and sped up more.
See, I told you I'd see you at the bottom of the page! Thanks (again, again) for reading 
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! I'm back again!
Well, this was by far the best chapter! I love the whole phone thing and (surprisingly) it was easy to follow! You have some awesome ideas, kid!
Your dialouge was really good. Really natural, I should say.
I wish that I could make these freaking critiques longer... I just have nothing to say...
Ugh. Puh-lease! I hate it when characters just give up like that. One minute they are trying to save the world - the next they are figuring out how to die.
I hope the rest of the story ain't like that!
Well done!
BBB
Comments, edits, added material – it's all in braces.
The young man pulled {the item} out the box. He had run away from Conscilia, and he was almost out of Texas, near where Dallas used to be. He was planning to head through Oklahoma and meet some people on the edge of Kansas, but first he had to make this call.
The thing in the box looked simply like a circle with two levers coming from the top and bottom, and crossing each other, to make an X. {This last sentence doesn't seem descriptive enough. I can't really conjure up an image in my head.} It was basically a universal cell phone. . . . With one problem: you could only make one “call” on it, although you could receive as many as you{'d}.
The man flipped the levers so that they were wedged into grooves on opposite sides of the “phone”. He felt on the back – where there was a slight inclined plane, which made the device more comfortable to hold – {The dashed-in clauses are unnecessary, I think.} and found a scroll wheel. He touched the scroll wheel, and a screen appeared on the front of the device. You could scroll down or up to find different functions on the phone. {Again, it seems as if the last sentence is unnecessary.} The man rolled it in his index finger until he found the icon he wanted. It was an interesting animation{. It} showed a pulley looped around two planets, pulling them together. The man pressed the scroll wheel, selecting the program (which was to make a space call, where you could talk to people on different planets, and also, for a small roaming fee, in a different galaxy) {Parathesized clauses seem weird.}. He screwed each of the levers around 180° and finally used the scroll wheel to dial the number he wanted to call. He held the phone up to his head – one lever at his mouth, the other at his ear. He had made the call.
Dude, you’d better pick up, the young man thought.
He heard a voice on the phone, and he punched the air. His friend had picked up.
“Hey{,} man,” the younger {The “older man” from the last chapter isn't here, so you don't really need to say “younger.”} man said through the universal phone.
“Hey,” his friend said.
“Look, I know you’re busy out there, but I’m in a bit of trouble here, so I was just wondering if maybe, you know, you could come back here to Earth for a little while? Anytime you were planning on coming recently?”
“Um, no, I can’t, dude. Sorry, but this just isn’t the right time for me – actually, this is the worst time, and I’ve got a really important meeting coming up. Sorry, but I gotta go now. Can you get back to me sometime?” {h}is friend spoke really quickly, obviously wanting to get off.
“What? No! I can’t, they didn’t have any good phones here! I can only make one call! Please, man, don’t warp on me now! Please!”
“Sorry, I gotta warp! I absolutely have to get to this meeting. . . . I have to. Sorry.”
“Wait, you have re-dial on your phone, right? Call me back! Put my number in your calling list! Speed dial!”
But it was too late. The man’s friend was gone, and he had no more calls. All the money he spent, and nearly getting himself killed. . . for what? A two-minute conversation that was practically worthless? Unless his friend would call him back. . . but why did he doubt that his friend would? He’s “too busy” smuggling, the young man thought{,} Flippin’ criminals.
He closed the phone down, putting the levers back in the X position, and reached out to throw the phone through the window on his vehicle. But then he thought better of it and just shook it in his hand. If his friend was going to call him back, he’d need the phone. He stuffed it into his pocket and kicked down on the accelerator pedal of his vehicle.
He heard the sirens behind him, but still didn’t bother to slow down. What the crap, he thought, I might as well have some fun if I’m gonna die anyways. Geez, I wish I’d never have become a criminal. How come friends can have so freakin’ much of an influence on me? I am such a retarded punk.
He drove away from the cop and then laughed as he saw an old chopper pull up behind him. There was a guy with a gun looking out the window. The young man just smiled and sped up more.
You say a lot of weird things. I don't know if it's your style, you're trying to make it feel like a dream, or your just not good at putting your ideas on paper. No, just kidding. It's really fun to read. Just don't put in unnecessary info. If you really want to put it in or you think/know it's necessary info, incorporate it in a different manner. Make whatever you want to say be relevant to what's happening around that phrase, clause, or sentence. (Oh, sorry 'bout your italics. I always use the "Quick Reply" for reviews.)
Well, why would he self censor his thoughts?
This bit got me and didn't make sense, perhaps it was a mistake:
"He heard the sirens behind him, but still didn’t bother to slow down." It was in italics.
And the major reason was the 'LOL' thought. Inner dialog that is important is great, but great narration defines the character better then their own thoughts. Ever take a look at Tom Clancy's books? (Not the 'Apostrophe series') The narration does not need italics and is powerful, simple and best of all detailed. We can get into a characters head without the 'he thought' 'she thought' and italics deal. What you have is nothing more then self dialog that comes off less respectable then what good narration could do.
It's not that I mean to be harsh, but when you disagree with me and cite 'Its much easier to word' and 'they add a lot more to it' please consider expert narrative use that doesn't come off as commonplace. You have narrated the story thus far, I don't see why you need to take the perspective switch in a narrative story. It just comes off as bad form.
Allow me to make an example:
"He heard the sirens behind him, but still didn’t bother to slow down.
How could he let himself be pressured into this? Damn! The cops on hot your ass and everything to lose. Damn! No turning back now."
Then do an action scene. I think it comes off easier since you narrate the story, why not narrate his thoughts for us? Other ones you have done come off just the same with no changes other then dropping the italics.
"Dude, you’d better pick up." could still be a thought or rather drop the typo 'You would' and 'dude' for just "He better pick up."
Without the he thought tacked on, it flows much better. You realize how annoying 'he thought.' 'she thought' is? It is the same as '<Name> said' every time. You have only one character, his thoughts are only what we will see anyways.
I hope that was more clear. :/
Chapter four has...
Names
Explanations
And a really cool trial.
lol.
By the way, Coconut, I highly disagree with you about the thoughts. I like stories that have them, and they add a lot more to it, and they're much easier to word. It's fine if you don't like it, but I'm not going to edit it out.
But starting with chapter four, everything starts to make sense.
A lot of stuff gets cleared up.
So yeah....
Teh Wozzinator
It was slightly confusing as to what the plot was about, what was happening in this chapter. It was a little unclear. You should make sure the reader knows all about what is happening in the story. What does it have to do with chocolate and crime? As a reader, not much would really catch my eye in this chapter. I would just be Oh-kay, so what? I think it has potential. It just needs to be refined around the edges. You have the vital oragans and flesh, you just need to shape it and harden it into a solid. (sorry if that metaphor didn't help at all)
The phone bit was way way over the top. As much as you like it, I think you should not try and put your homework or Gizmo and Gears knowledge into writing for something as common place as a phone. You should never be that detailed into it.
The whole inner thoughts, I didn't like them at all. Why do we need to know EXACTLY what he is thinking? Perhaps you can narrate it in with a general system. When you think you don't think softly to yourself within your head, the idea forms and then you pick the words to try and express it. If it is not absolutely key and doesn't show character conflict (as in own thoughts withself conflict) don't directly tell his thoughts.
As a whole, the story is starting to lose a bit of focus for me. You started off interesting and special in chapter 1, but you are still doing these unsual and odd actions without an explanation. Worst of all, they don't have names!
Your story is starting to get even more confusing but I'm not going to say anything until I know for sure your not going to clarify. After I read the entire thing I'll be sure to give you any insight. For now, I think it's quite good.
btw, i used LOL because that's what the guy thought. normally i wouldn't use it. and i have a reason for describing the phone like that...
i'm doing this thing for a science competition called simple machines.
there are six types of simple machines:
Levers
Screws
Wedges
Inclined Planes
Wheels and axles
Pulleys
so in my description of the phone, i mentioned all of those...i thought it'd be fun.
Hey, Woz! Wuz up? (Haha, I'm so funny...) Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. I was way too tired to even trust myself to write a critique. It was that bad. So now for the critique you have been waiting for!
I think you're trying to say Conscilia is next to Dallas? *has no map* This sentence is awkward and needs a rewrite.
Don't tell us how this phone-thingy works. Show us like you did a little bit in this second sentence.
No lol's in writing, lol. Bad, Wozzell. *shakes finger*
Well, not much to say. The phone was a bit confusing. If you could use better words/phrases, I might understand. Or you can just not describe it before he uses it? This may be better. The man picked up the levers out of the X shape they laid in... or something like that. I'm not too sure how it is. Is it alien? Is it not a normal phone? We can work that out better.
Good job with the phone call, though. That seemed realistic. I definitely followed the entire time. Nice job. I don't know about the machine gun at the end...
This kind of sounds Sci-fi, but not quite, lol.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!